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Pumpkin Poem or Two by Tony Hickman
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Hickman
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to Grow
Its Not
That Far
After many months it was time to go
And take my baby to the the pumpkin show
I'll just pop it into the back of the car After all its not
that far
My wife and I and a friend named Sam
Lifted it into the back of the van
I packed some blankets all around
Found some rope and tied it down
It looked secure in the back of the car
After all its not going far
Go easy on the brakes, my wife said
It might roll forward and we'll all be dead
I could imagine the headlines Pumpkins
Kill As I drove slowly down a very steep hill
Then my daughter screamed as loud as a goose
Oh my god the pumpkins loose
It hit the back seat with one hell of a thump
My wife opened the door and was ready to jump
Just hang on to it, and get back in the car
We're nearly there, its not that far
A little bit further I heard my daughter beg
Help me dad its squashing my leg
And the stem is tangled in my hair
Just hang on we're nearly there
I got to the weigh-off just in time
My family was shaken but they'll be fine
My pumpkin got there without a scar
Just as I planned, because it wasn't that far.
The
Next Door Neighbour
I was at the weigh-off
Admiring the fruits of my labor
When I bumped into Sam
My next door neighbour
Now he doesn t grow pumpkins
I know this for sure
Because the ground in his yard
Is extremely poor
He said he was there
To win a big prize
And he had a pumpkin
Of enormous size
And he wasn't joking
He stole the show
He won a beautiful trophy
And a pile of dough
I just couldn't believe it
How did you grow it I said
I found it last week
Behind my shed
Your pumpkin plant
All green and dense
Grew into my yard
Through my back fence
It was in my yard
So its legally mine
And you can come over tomorrow
And remove your vine
The
Hoochy Coochy
A mate of mine
He's a bit of a prude
He thinks pollinating flowers
Is something rude
I have to help him
When the time comes
He gets all shy
And he's all thumbs
He talks to them nicely
"Your a pretty yellow"
"Here Mrs flower"
"Meet your new fellow"
And thats where he stops
He just hasn't got the heart
To finish the job
And do the important part
"She's not ready"
"To be a mother"
"They've only just met"
"They hardly know each other"
"Shouldn't we marry them"
"Or at least dim the light"
"I just can't do this"
"It doesn't seem right"
Thats when I take over
It's all up to me
To do what I call
The hoochy coochy
You stand back
And close your eyes
And I'll do the deed
Before she dies
When the jobs all over
Just for a joke
I lie down by the flower
And light up a smoke
It's
Getting Close
It's getting close
Only two months to go
I'm scared to death
My pumpkin might blow
My hairs turning gray
Something s not right
I pace up and down
I can't sleep at night
I'm smoking so much
I've developed a cough
And drinking more often
I'll have to lay off
What lays in store
Will my pumpkin stop growing
I measure it daily
I can't handle not knowing
Who's pumpkin will win
Will it be mine
I'm scared and excited
All at the same time
The Pumpkin
Oath
I will take care of my pumpkin
I will do my best
Until it matures
I shall not rest
I will treat them the same
No best and no worst
I will feed them well
And not let them thirst
I will give them the respect
That they deserve
And not rely on one pumpkin
I ll keep at least one in reserve
And I will never laugh
At another grower
That has done their best
But their weight was lower
I shall be kind and considerate
And try not to snoop
I ll be an outstanding member
Of this pumpkin group
The Pumpkin
God
I need a sacrifice for the pumpkin god
To make him happy I need a dead bod
Maybe a moose or a buck or a doe
I can't make up my mind which way to go
A chicken or rabbit or maybe a cat
Something to please him and make my pumpkin fat
A snake or a lizard or even a hound
Anything that might improve the ground
Some panthers or leopards or even some lions
So I can grow some healthy long vines
Some hippies or skinheads or maybe some thugs
To keep him happy and keep out the bugs
Maybe an eagle or a crow or a crane
Anything that might bring me some rain
A hippo or an elephant but only just one
Anything that might get me more sun
Maybe a rhino thats been freshly shot
Could put an end to the blossom end rot
A wombat or koala or a kangaroo
Just in case of powdery mildew
I'll sacrifice anything, I don't care what the cost
To keep away the killing frost
A salmon or trout or even a sturgeon
Because I'm damned if I can find, a young blond virgin
WHO
Who's got the biggest
And who's didn't bust
Who's telling lies
And who can we trust
Who's keeping secrets
And who's helping out
Who's filled with confidence
And who's filled with doubt
Who used good seed
And who made do
It could be me
Or it could be you
The weigh-off is near
Everyone is tense
Remember the grass is always greener
On the other side of the fence
R.I.P.
Around my garden
Are some large tombstones
Lasting reminders
Of the pumpkins I've grown
My pumpkins to me
Are family or kin
I couldn't let them rot
In a compost bin
Here lies Betty
At 854
She blew out
Couldn't take anymore
And this one's for Princess
The bugs had a feast
She died slowly
May she rest in peace
Over there lies Bertha
She got herself caught
In a violent hailstorm
Her life was cut short
And there's old Mavis
The best of the lot
An unfortunate victim
Of blossom end rot
And poor old Bumpkin
Her belly was rotten
She's gone now
But not forgotten
I'll never forget Blossom
She met with bad luck
On the way to the weigh-off
She rolled off the truck
And my only success
I called her Flo
She won second place
At the pumpkin show
Mother natures rule
Says we must part
This pumpkin growing
Sure breaks my heart
A TRUE
STORY
I examined my pumpkin the other night And what I found was
an ugly site
I measured around and over the top
And then I found...... the blossom end rot
I stepped back and covered my face
After all that work ,I'm out of the race I went to the house
and rolled a smoke
I told the kids, they thought it was a joke
But they knew it was true because my face was pale I opened
the fridge and downed an ale I'll call my mate, he'll know
what to do "Your joking" he said" That can't
be true"
"Pick it now, get it out of your patch
The bugs will get in, lay eggs and hatch
Get it out of there, the place it was born in And we will
fix it up tomorrow morning"
I couldn't lift it by myself
So I sent the kids to get some help
The neighbors came, "You want to lift something"
"Yes, I need a hand to move my pumpkin"
"Do it yourself, you don't need four" "Are
your wives busy, we might need more"
We went to the garden, I showed them my prize They stood in
awe,
couldn't beleive their eyes
So I got a tarp and we gathered around
"We'll get it in the middle, then lift it off the ground"
My sick neighbor, he had a bad cough
Grabbed it by the stem and snapped it right off
I nearly cried and I said a rude word Loud enough that the
whole world heard
He looked at the stem, it was long and fat
Then he thew it away, he said "You can't eat that"
I finally calmed down, though my face was still red "Just
lift it " I
snapped, and get it into the shed It was still in one piece,
in its
bright orange glory And my neighbor is still alive,to pass
on the story
The next day the pumpkin Doc came around His beaming smile
quickly
turned to a frown The colour is good and the shape is a gem
But theres a whole in the back and you've cut off the stem
So I told him the story, he said "You know what I think"
'You shouldn't move pumpkins when you've had too much to drink
"But it was after my neighbor had snapped off the trunk
That I had a few drinks and maybe got drunk
Let this be a lesson, to everyone
Don't plant too early, don't jump the gun Take it slow, don't
go full throttle
Or you'll be drowning your sorrows, in the bottom of a bottle
The Mighty
Mable
Now heres a true story, its not a fable
Its about a pumpkin, the Mighty Mable
There's this average guy like you and me
Who goes by the name of Wayne Hackney
He had this idea of making somethin
So he made a boat from a giant pumpkin
He grew a beauty, weighed 729 pound
She was big and orange and 172 inches around
But before he could make this pumpkin boat
He had to make sure that it would float
So he and Brian and Mighty Mable
Went down to the lake and found she was able
They went to the marina,to consult an old boater
To how they'd fit the outboard motor
They cut a hole in the top, but she still looked handsome
Made an internal frame and fitted a transom
Fitted a three horsepower motor, so it wouldn't lag
And added a windsheild and the American flag
Then came the day to see if they could
Sail Mighty Mable across Lake Candlewood
Three hundred people had gathered around
He had to do it, he couldn't back down
They opened the champagne and christened the boat
And prayed to the lord that Mable would float
In an orange tuxedo and a green top hat
They braved the water, but it wasn't flat
The waves swamped them before twenty feet
It looked like it was over, like he was beat
But he had to do it for the crowds sake
So he tried again on the other side of the lake
After a quick repair because he found a hole
He was ready for action, ready to rock and roll
So he and Mable were back in the drink
Please Lord don't let me sink
He went out on the lake and turned 360 degrees
The crowd all cheered, they were really pleased
She was holding together like bricks and mortar
But then the waves crashed in and she was taking in water
The motor couldn't take it, it stalled twice
He crossed his fingers and prayed to Christ
Now it was time for some fast action
A voice in his head said "She'll not take it Captain"
So the motor came off, it couldn't take any more
And he finished the journey with his trusty oar
Two miles he travelled in his Cucurboat
And they said it can't be done, it will never float
After the champagne and a nice cold beer
He had a great idea for the following year
I'll get a big 150 horsepower motor
And a huge pumpkin, a real good floater
I'll get my wife in her polkadot bikinis
To ski behind the pumpkin on two zucchinis
And there's one thing I haven't mentioned
Wayne Hackney.....your a living legend
The Pumpkin
family
There's a group on the internet
None of them have I ever met
They help each other on a daily basis
They keep no secrets or hide no aces
They are always there for advice or a chat
Or a shoulder to cry on when your feeling flat
They listen to your problems and give you advice
Just to know they are there, well its real nice
They do this freely and ask for nothing in return
They are always ready, to listen or learn
Some have strange names, Pumpkinguy, Lubadub
They are one big family, one large pumpkin club
And if you don't grow pumpkins they'll talk you around
You'll soon be planting and tilling the ground
You don't need to grow many you might just grow one
To become part of this family and join in the fun
They will help you every step of the way
And pat you on the back on weigh-off day
So if your a little bit crazy and have a green thumb
Join this group as I have done
They are everyday people, your average Joe
Who take pride in they're gardens and the pumpkins they grow
Just turn on your computer and click your mouse
And you'll have hundreds of pumpkin growers right there in
your house
Just subscribe to Pumpkins@athenet.net
And you'll find a friend to help you, on that I'll bet
The Pumpkin
From Hell
For weeks now I've had this bad dream
I sweat all night and wake up and scream
Its stuck in my head and at night it haunts me
That terrible dream about the exploding A.G.
It really blows up, all the skin and the flesh
All covers the patch with a slimy mess
There are people there with laughter and cheers
The noise is defening so I cover my ears
And then comes a giant cucumber beatle
Who eats everything including the people
Then come the rodents in a massive plague
I'll never forget it, nothing is vague
When I wake up I run out to my patch
To see if my dream and reality match
To make sure my pumpkin is alive and well
And is not like that pumpkin, that pumpkin from hell
Only one week from weigh-off and I'm out of my mind
I'll be glad when its over so I can unwind
But I can't rest yet, not for a few days
Until I get to the weigh-off and see what it weighs.
NEXT
TIME
I received my seeds in the mail
Prepaired the ground, so it would't fail
Protected my plant from wind and hail
Then watered the lot with a big old pail
It took a while to poke out the ground
I spread some fertilizer all around
It wasn't long before I found
A nice little pumpkin,about two pound
The vines grew to twenty feet
It was growing well in the heat
I can see their faces at the pumpkin meet
Because this is the one they'll have to beat
As time went by you could see it swell
With all my efforts it grew well
How much it weighed I couldn't tell
It took over my life,I was under its spell
To me it looked as big as a whale
When I saw it there on the scale
All the others were smaller and frail
Thanks to the seeds I received in the mail
But then came someone new
With a huge monster that he grew
We all stood back and let himthrough
And the crowd gathered for a better view
So I didn't win the major prize
But I went away a little more wise
Next year when the weather dries
I hope I'm the one with the biggest size
Now I sit with ponder and thought
And think about those seeds I bought
I did it right, right down to the letter
Theres always someone who'll grow one better.
Next year I'll really try
To grow a pumpkin to beat this guy
Betterseeds and fertilizer I'll buy
But then I thought ...why
As long as I beat my personal best
I'll still buy the seeds and all the rest
And put my skills to the test
To beat my best weight is my only quest
The WORD
The word pumpkin
Just rolls off your tongue
It's not really spoken
It's practically sung
But why such a name
Well lets break it down
If you split it in two
The reason is found
Pump-to inflate to make bigger
Kin-a well loved thing a family figure
Newbies
Newbies come
And newbies go
It can be a real test
To get a pumpkin to grow
But don't despair
And go off the rail
You re not a loser
And you didn't fail
You may not have a pumpkin
To take to the show
But you've learned from experience
And there's a lot to know
You took the first step
And that s the biggest one
So call yourself a grower
Slow down and have fun
Don't take it too seriously
As we all tend to do
We've all made mistakes
But we learn from them to
So just pull up your socks
And wipe away that tear
We'll all be a little wiser
For the season next year
The Rusty
Pumpkin
Poor old Rusty
His patch is dry and dusty
Why, whats the reason
A bad pumpkin season
His face has no expression
He lives in deep depression
The plant was green and lush
But the pumpkin turned to mush
With only six days to go
But the pumpkin didn't know
It got to 207 pound
It's a shame it wasn't sound
It really tried it's best
But now it's put to rest
It was his best so far
That's why the emotional scar
Don't blame him, or another
It was nature, she's a mother
So when halloween comes around
And Rusty wears a frown
Please pat him a the back for me
I know how depressing it can be
Let it out Rusty and shed a tear
And try and focus on the following year
Growing pumpkins can really suck
But try again friend,and I wish you luck
Tony Hickman
PUMPKINS
WITH GUNS
A long time ago
When dinosaurs roamed free
Giant pumpkins were there
But they lived in the sea
Some found it cold
And moved to the land
They soon evolved
Away from the sand
It s a little known secret
In this pumpkin gameBut that s why the word Atlantic
Is a part of their name
There s another secret
I swear it s true
They are still out there
In the ocean blue
They group together
One hundred or more
And devour ships
Far from the shore
They ll eat the odd plane
That gets into a tangle
In an area they call
The Bermuda Triangle
And that ship the Titanic
Didn t hit an iceberg
It was a school of pumpkins
A pod or a herd
So trust me friend
They are carnivores
They are not like the pumpkins
You buy in the stores
When people disappear
From a shark attack
The odds are good
It was a pumpkin pack
So if you think you have
A real big winner
Don t turn your back
You might be it s dinner.
THE
RUDE PUMPKIN
After all my knowledge
And being a genius
My pumpkin grew wrong
It was in the shape of a penis
On the other end
Towards the back
It was round and wrinkly
Like a testicle sack
But it weighed a lot
So I decided to go
And take my embarrassment
to the pumpkin show
I kept it covered
So the kids couldn t see
Well it was a pumpkin
And I payed my fee
Everyone was there
It was time to vote em
It was time to unveil
The penis and scrotum
The judge came over
He had the rule book
He said take off the blanket
And give me a look
I said you show me yours
And I ll show you mine
Just take off that blanket
And stop wasting my time
The judge was shocked
But the crowd gave a cheer
I was thrown out of the weigh-off
And banned for a year
So if you grow something
That looks a bit rude
Don t try to show it
Cut it up for food.
THE TRADITION
That magic day has finally come
It's time to plant my seed
I go out to the shed to get the box
Of all the things I'll need
My lucky piece of sandpaper
That my father gave to me
He taught me how to sand the seed
So it opens easily
An aeration stone from an aquarium
To bathe the seed in bubbles
A spare packet of pumpkin seeds
In case of any troubles
My favourite plastic four inch pot
The pumpkins first nursery
It was used buy my Grandfather
And handed down to me
The old metal watering can
Over the years it's lost its rose
To gently water my seedlings
I don+t trust the garden hose
And to bubble the seed my baby cup
Given to me by my Mother
I got it when I was two years old
It belonged to my older brother
The recipe for the raising soil
Written on a box of matches
That will feed the precious pumpkin seed
Well after the baby hatches
The family pumpkin diary
Although its had some neglect
Is good to read for growing tips
Or to sit back and just reflect
The father of them all
All during the pumpkin season
It hangs proudly on the wall
These things get used only once a year
Then I carefully put them away
I know if I look after them
They'll be my child's one day
I'd help my dad in the pumpkin patch
We'd work and talk all day
Not just about pumpkins
We had lots of things to say
We'd talk about the football game
And he'd tell me about the war
And I was kind of proud to leave my boots
Next to his beside the door
Grandad's gone and dads retired
And now that I'm getting older
When I'm working away in my pumpkin patch
I know their looking over my shoulder
We've never grown a pumpkin
To win prizes or what ever
It+s become a family tradition
It kind of keeps us close together
To pee
or not to pee
I watched my dog
The other day
Marking his territory
In a doggy like way
I guess other animals would smell it
And know right away
That this is his turf
And they'll keep well away
I thought for a minute
What a great idea
I'll mark my garden
And fill the squirrels with fear
I waited for dark
So no one would see
And went out to the garden
To have a good pee
But before all of this
I drank a six pack of beer
The bladder was full
And in high gear
I planned it all out
I'd pee in a line
Across the back of the garden
It should work real fine
I got into position
But I ran out of luck
Wouldn't you know it
My zipper was stuck
I was swearing and cursing
And doing the dance
So I unbuckled my belt
And pulled down my pants
And at that very same moment
Came a light from a torch
From my next door neighbour
Who was on his back porch
Hell I couldn't wait
And he spoiled my plan
Then I heard a voice say
What are you doing Dan
I pulled up my pants
What could I say
I'm marking my turf
To keep the squirrels away
He was laughing so much
He nearly peed to
He said I've got a method
I'll share it with you
I feed them peanuts
This plan can't be beat
And when they go to my garden
Their too full to eat
So now I buy peanuts
To feed the little dears
But I still keep in practice
Yes I still drink the beers. |
